Circling Back Around

by Loolwa Khazzoom • April 4, 2010 • Keeping It Raw

I seem to be circling back around to where I was in my 20s: radical, defiant, free, an artist, super expressive with my words and my voice and my body. Engaged in life. Telling the world to fuck off. Not for the sake of telling them to fuck off, but for the sake of turning up the volume on my inner dial and making room for my authentic self.

Then a lot of things happened. Loneliness. Missing people I had to cut out for my healing and sanity. Chronic pain and the chaos and life-stifling that comes along with it. Confusion. Depression. Isolation. Loss of self.

And then I became a professional writer and got really big bylines and had all kinds of excitement and subversive giggles and triumphs. And my life got really big in front of my computer screen.

And then I discovered dance to heal myself. And then I had crazy journeys bouncing against the health care system and finally cutting off and following my own healing path. And then I started a company built around the method. And then I became an activist again.

And now I am totally confused. I tried reconnecting with family members who are just poison to my soul. And that got me depressed. A lot. And I started coming out of isolation, but found myself in a half-place – not quite up to engaging 100%, but well enough to poke my head back out in the world.

And I started wondering about what I’d lost. And where I’d turned. And where my life had gone. And I felt angry. But I couldn’t feel angry because I was supposed to be happy because I did something positive with my pain, and then would people think one contradicted the other, and would the dominos come crashing down.

And now here I am. Again. Not really caring. Which is a positive thing. Because I am tuning “them” out. Because they are a distraction. And I am an artist again. And I am wondering what happened to my music. And my singing. When did I stop writing songs. When did I stop wearing expressive clothes and makeup. When did I start judging myself by images of plastic effeminated women whose orientation I outright rejected long ago.

When did I get so concerned about how many Twitter followers I have.

Business. Success. Survival. Can I be the avant-garde spirit I am and still have food on the table. Do I need an apartment this big in this nice of a neighborhood. Do I need all my storage. My storage is my life. Journals, tapes, articles, photos scattered haphazard. Some stolen. Some lost. Some still here. My life. Scattered.

And what do I make of the fact that my entire life and orientation has been dedicated to family. 1-2-3-4. We’re all here. Smile. Devote myself to healing. To cleaning my side of the street, their side of the street, hell even their neighbor’s property. But they do not care if my house is on fire. Sure they will dance around in gestures of angst and cluck in sympathy and so forth. But they will not cross the fucking street.

So who am I. Who am I without them. Without Judaism. Without the community that has failed me and flogged me repeatedly. I see the pointlessness and put down my tired tools and take off the work clothes and walk naked toward the water, toward the cool soothing mist of fog, immersing myself in the silence and relief of darkness. I step into the beam of light and dance in the sunshine, free at last, free at last.

But if I am free who am I. If they do not see me why am I part of them. And what does it all mean.

Leave a Reply

Subscribe to Loolwa's Updates

About Loolwa

Loolwa KhazzoomLoolwa Khazzoom has worked with leading media outlets, including The New York Times, CNN, Rolling Stone, and ABC News. In addition, she has published two books and has lectured at prestigious venues including Barnard Center for Research on Women, the Simon Wiesenthal Center, and Harvard University. Loolwa is passionate about health, music, dance, multiculturalism, and Judaism.

Holistic Media, Marketing, PR

Loolwa Khazzoom is a a public relations manager specializing in holistic media, holistic marketing, holistic public relations, and holistic promotions. Her services include branding and messaging development, image and communications management, website content development and optimization, social media management, traditional media campaign management, book development, and in-house writing and editing.

Connect with Loolwa