Healing Powers

by Loolwa Khazzoom • July 4, 2010 • Family Secrets

I am shaking. I feel as if I have been energetically raped. I am apparently never safe with anyone in my family. Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling this low-grade anger at my mom recently. She cannot be trusted to monitor boundaries. I always must be the one to do it, which leaves me constantly on guard.

And that messes me up. It deprives me of a certain level of trust and closeness that I would like to have with family, at least with my mom if not with anyone else. And then I feel guilty for not being close enough, for needing to put distance, for not trusting, for not feeling safe. I feel like I’m hurting the other person by taking care of myself.

It’s the never-ending spin cycle in the washing machine. Over and over and over again. The narrative never changes.

My mom has powerful psychic and healing energy. I like to imagine that we come from a line of witches, being that my maternal line is Irish and Danish on my grandmother’s side and Welsh on my grandfather’s side. I visualize Celtic dancers and medicine women prancing around a tree.

I have always been called “too sensitive,” which is code for being profoundly empathetic and connected to all living beings. I have come to understand that I have used food throughout my life as a buffer between myself and the harshness of the world, because without that food taking the edge off, things feel extremely raw.

My mom was obese throughout my childhood, and my grandmother and great grandmother were alcoholics. I wonder if they too needed something to take the edge off their sensitivity, though my mom says she doesn’t feel anything with or without the food. Maybe she’s developed some kind of mechanism of numbness that’s become a habit by now.

As a teenager, my mom was able to move physical objects with her mind – specifically, bowling balls. As the story goes, my mom sucked at bowling, but as a teen in the Midwest in the late 1940s and early 1950s, she had to do it. So she’d throw the ball down, and as it headed toward the gutter, she would take her hands and energetically move the ball toward the center – successfully striking out the pins.

At some point, she noticed this behavior was abnormal. Once she became aware of her extraordinary power, she became scared of and squelched it. With at least one exception: Decades later, when she could not find her keys at a hotel where she was staying, she sat in her room, got quiet in her mind, and asked where the keys were. An image of her keys came to her, behind the curtain in the lobby downstairs. She went downstairs, moved aside the curtain, and sure enough, there were her keys.

Anyhow, my mom says that she otherwise pushed down that energy until she went through her life-endangering accident in November 2008. After the accident, my mom was unconscious for the greater part of a week, during which I was by her side day and night – channeling healing energy, singing, praying, running her artwork across her fingers, acting as a positive affirmations soundtrack in her brain…until she came back to consciousness. I continued directing all my healing energy toward my mom and requesting the healing energy of her friends, my friends, professional healers, and prayer circles — both when I was by her side and when I was hundreds of miles away — as she progressed in her journey to complete recovery.

Six months after the accident, my mom was lucid and functional again. Now, one and a half years later, my mom is stronger than before the accident. Doctors say it’s a miracle that my mom is alive at all, much less fully recovered. My mom credits me with saving her life. I remind her that the effort was a partnership – me coaching her from the outside, her working it from the inside.

“You brought my power back up, and now I can’t push it down,” my mom has told me. She believes that her innate psychic energy was responsible for her ability to heal thoroughly. I have no doubt that is true.

Its reemergence has worked to my advantage, because as it turns out, my mom is one powerful distance energy healer. I’ll call her when something hurts, and I will know the minute she starts sending me healing energy; because whatever is hurting instantaneously will stop hurting. Take yesterday, when my back went out. I was literally hobbling around my apartment, hanging on to things so as to make it from one side of a room to another. Immediately after I asked my mom to send me energy, my back was pain-free.

But here’s the thing: My mom has been on such a mission to find out the exact impact of her every nuanced energy vibration, that her behavior has become demanding, invasive, and controlling. She wants to know exactly what I feel, when I feel it, and where I feel it. She wants to match up every shift I feel with precisely what she was doing at any given moment. She also has wanted to know exactly where I am at any given moment, so that she can visualize where she’s sending the energy.

I have told my mom a few times that this behavior crosses my boundaries. While she has modified some things – like not asking exactly where I am – she has persisted with others. For example, when I shared with her that I knew she was sending me healing energy because my back immediately stopped hurting, she then wanted to get into an involved conversation about when my back started hurting again, later in the day, and what she was doing at the time.

I told her this morning, yet again, that I did not want to have that conversation. She said, “Well I need to know what’s happening, so that I can be a good energy healer.” “So ask someone else,” I said. “But you’re the only person I do energy healing on,” she replied. “Well too bad,” I said. “I don’t want to do it this way.” It all felt very yucky and almost creepy. Then I was hit with the inevitable feelings of guilt that I was being mean to my mom or doing something wrong. Because lord help me if I set boundaries in this family.

Tonight, I mentioned in passing that my back felt normal today. “That’s because I sent energy,” my mom declared. Suddenly I felt violated. I hung up the phone. Then I called back and expressed my anger. “I don’t understand why it upsets you,” my mom said. “You don’t need to understand!” I barked. “You just need to respect it.” Fine!” my mom barked back, clearly pissed. “I won’t mention anything about energy ever again!” Because, of course, it has to be either-or.

I hung up extremely upset. Something so pure and healing had become so toxic. Which is typical for my family. As a child, the love I received was tangled up with leaky sexual energy, covert sexual abuse, control, manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, and other incessant boundary violations. The terms of love were so screwed up that it was better to receive no love at all. Which was kind of like choosing starvation over a diet of straight processed junk food.

At any rate, so this thing tonight left me on the verge of crazy. I was shaking internally and physically. I felt energetically raped. It’s as if my mom had turned me into a science experiment or guinea pig, against my will, to serve her own purposes. Instead of just being a mom and sending loving healing energy to me, and at the most, thinking with me about how I wanted that energy delivered and discussed. Or rather, responding to how I wanted it delivered and discussed, because I’d already told her my wishes and boundaries several times.

Plus, I came to realize, my mom has developed a certain amount of arrogance and a bit of a Gd complex. While she undoubtedly has an extraordinary gift, so do I. And so do Gd, angels, loving Spirits, and whatever other healing energy forces that may be out there, bouncing around in the Universe, impacting people in positive ways. Who knows exactly what is making my body feel the way it does at any given moment. The important thing is that I ensure as much as possible that I live in and am surrounded by positivity, to maximize my healing capacity.

This morning, when I was trying to explain to my mom why it bugged me when she tried to rope me into answering the who-what-where-when-how-why questions, I said it was like the insanity-inducing 10 point pain scale that doctors keep trying to force on pain patients (and that my mom herself despises). In my experience, the very attempt to externally quantify or qualify either pain or healing effectively diminishes the power and potential of healing pain.

It’s like trying to ask a painter to deconstruct and analyze a painting while she is in the process of painting it. The question itself, not to mention the attempt to answer the question, may destroy the creative process, grace, inspiration, magic, and intuitive connection to the Universal Life Force that together create the painting, through the vessel of the painter.

The deconstruction and analysis introduce a completely different energy field. Now if the artist is herself inspired to share her process, if deconstruction and analysis comes through as part of the creation, that is another thing altogether. Similarly, if I am inspired to participate in a conversation with my mom about what I feel and when, then the energy is synergistic and part of the healing process. Anything imposed, however, is always directly in contradiction to healing.

One Response to “Healing Powers”

  1. mulderfan
    Sep 18, 2010

    I highly recommend :Cutting Loose: An Adult’s Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D.


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About Loolwa

Loolwa KhazzoomLoolwa Khazzoom has worked with leading media outlets, including The New York Times, CNN, Rolling Stone, and ABC News. In addition, she has published two books and has lectured at prestigious venues including Barnard Center for Research on Women, the Simon Wiesenthal Center, and Harvard University. Loolwa is passionate about health, music, dance, multiculturalism, and Judaism.

Holistic Media, Marketing, PR

Loolwa Khazzoom is a a public relations manager specializing in holistic media, holistic marketing, holistic public relations, and holistic promotions. Her services include branding and messaging development, image and communications management, website content development and optimization, social media management, traditional media campaign management, book development, and in-house writing and editing.

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